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His mother was a light smoker, and his father was very anti-smoking. If the mother had a cigarette, the father’s mood would immediately change, and the rest of the evening would be ruined. One afternoon, the mother and father were having a heated discussion after she had smoked a cigarette when my friend decided to step in to support his mother. Part of his defence for her included the line “Mum doesn’t have to do what you want all the time, she can smoke as much as she wants!” at which point the father stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut.

The mother, looking at her son said “Thank you darling, I know that you meant well but I don’t think that had the desired result!”

This is an example of Impact vs. Intent and is what I shall discuss below.

Our intent is usually good. We don’t usually start a conversation with the intention of ending up in conflict or upsetting someone. The problem is that our intent is invisible unless we explicitly raise it to the surface. Most of the time we assume that people know we intend well and that they will give us the benefit of the doubt. This however, is a huge assumptive flaw.

Humans are generally cynical. We think the worst of people and that they put their own interests first. I know this is a horrid statement, but it’s unfortunately true especially in business and even more so when people don’t know each other well. This tendency means that when a statement or action can be interpreted in different ways, there is a high chance we choose the interpretation which is better for them and worse for us because we assume others put themselves first. While their intent may well be positive towards us, we read it negatively and the impact is therefore not what was expected by the communicator.

Any time your communication has not had the intended impact, the root of the problem could be a misalignment in the understanding of intent. To counter such misunderstanding and reduce the risks our intent will be misinterpreted, there are three simple steps we can take:

1. Prepare: Before having a conversation, take some time to consider how the other side may interpret your message. If you take a step back and consider how your message could be misunderstood, this will help you recraft your message to reduce the likelihood of a misunderstanding.

2. Frame: When delivering your message, frame your intent by clearly labelling what you hope to achieve. This brings to the surface the previously invisible intent. If my friend had first said “I love both of you and it would mean so much to me if the two of you could stop arguing so we can discuss this as a family”, the father probably would not have reacted in the way that he did.

3. Observe: Look for indications that your message is being received as planned. Small things such as facial micro-expressions, pauses and tonality will indicate whether your message is being well received.

If you use these three steps you will be able to significantly reduce the risk that people misunderstand your intent and in so doing, communicate with empathy and increased influence.

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Written by Neil Orvay

For more information on Communication, Influence, Sales and Negotiation training, contact Neil Orvay at neil@evolution-u.com